A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't
work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is
left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for
anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw
them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay
checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can
prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that
says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming
you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it...so I said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just
two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the
fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have
some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it
back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in
such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at
home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to
be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever
they go.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of
lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something
stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are
after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
Ø
Where there's a will, I want to be in
it.
Ø
I'm
supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to
find
one now.
More......
1. He who hesitates is last.
2. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
3. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's retiring because he's shy half a million dollars.
4. On the other hand, I don't have a wedding ring.
5. I was wondering why the car in the mirror was growing larger. Then it hit me.
6. I only have four drinks a day. The other eight are for night.
7. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
8. There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who write numbers in decimal, and those who use binary.
9. I have my scruples. If you don't like them I have others.
10. If at first you don't succeed, trying and trying again is the definition of insanity.
Additional Paraprosdokians
•
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
• I
find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they're flashing behind you.
•
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local
swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
•
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
• I'm
great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.
• If
you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
• Take
my advice — I'm not using it.
• My
wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
•
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish
they were.
•
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever
stop to think and forget to start again?
•
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend
thinking.
• He
who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is
it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• I
was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.
•
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I
was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find
it.
• If
at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
•
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup
a smoothie?
Even More Paraprosdokians
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!++
Additional comedic paraprosdokian examples:
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. –Groucho Marx
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg
Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me. –Stewart Francis
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield
My husband can't stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can't stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin
There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. –Jack Handey
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. –Milton Berle
I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,'”but I don't have that much time. –Stephen Wright
Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips
Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers