Humor (Paraprosdokians)                                                                     

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 

Ø    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

Ø    War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  it in a fruit salad. 

Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I  said "Implants?" 

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.

Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 

Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 

Ø    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 

Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 

Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 

Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

Ø    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 

Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 

Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Ø    I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. 

More......

1. He who hesitates is last.

2. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

 3. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's retiring because he's shy half a million dollars.

4. On the other hand, I don't have a wedding ring.

5. I was wondering why the car in the mirror was growing larger. Then it hit me.

6. I only have four drinks a day. The other eight are for night.

7. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

8. There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who write numbers in decimal, and those who use binary.

9. I have my scruples. If you don't like them I have others.

10. If at first you don't succeed, trying and trying again is the definition of insanity.